It happened so slowly, so insidiously and deceptively that by the time I had realised what was happening I was totally engulfed by it. Its dark, inky black, slimy tentacles coiled tightly around every element of my being, like a second skin, crawling deep into my very core.
Not always present, it’s sneaky like that – it sits with me a lets me be – that’s how it ensures I never really know ‘it’ is there.
And then BAM! at just the right moment it strikes! Its thousands of tiny razor sharp claws biting into me, its voice shrieking in the back of my mind “YOU CAN’T, THEY WON’T, YOU DON’T” over and over again shredding me into a state of trembling, quivering embarrassment
Its name – SHAME!
I have carried shame around with me for as long as I can remember, its presence felt over again and again in front of my peers, my friends, colleagues. Striking as I approached somebody I liked or admired; in the boardroom, the classroom, the dance floor, the bedroom slowly suffocating my very being turning me into a quivering, scared little child. It’s cost me friends, experiences, relationships and my marriage and if I let it continue it may very well cost me my life and this I will not and cannot allow. To shame I say “ENOUGH! NO MORE!”
I know it’s presence now – the subtle signs that it is coming alive, eager to trip me up and stop me from achieving my greatness. It starts as a slight thump of the heart, I then look down afraid to look others in the eye, judging my every move, thought, feeling, till I am frozen and juddery in my motion and speech
This awareness is the start of my healing. It’s still too entrenched to have shaken off fully – old habits die hard, a tiger cant change its stripes and all that – but awareness is the start of healing. At last I know that it is not me that is the fault, but simply a mortal enemy, an enemy that can and will be beaten
It’s going to be a journey, of that I am sure. Its going to take work and vigilance – The enemy is not going to let go so easily but of this I am certain: I am OK and I am worthy! I am the son of the almighty GOD, created in HIS image – perfectly imperfect and I am victorious in His might
if you experience shame or any of the symptoms I have described above be courageous and reach out, You are not alone and together this can be beaten